Good intentions.

As I sit here contemplating another blog post, I'm wondering, "Who do I do this for?"  I have like 4 readers, and although I enjoy it, I find more and more over the last few months that I feel the need to censor myself, protect feelings/information, and I'm just not sure if that's the sort of blog I want to write.

Anyway.

It's been a tough couple of days.  Conflicts and misunderstandings with business and personal relationships have me all discombobulated, and I find myself standing perplexed in the center of a proverbial Tic Tac Toe set of circumstances, where, no matter which square I choose, it is not totally what I want, who I am, or how I feel.  But I have to choose.  Maybe.

Look, I am not someone who avoids conflict at all costs.  I get intimidated, sure, and I am always weighing the value of what it is I feel the need to fight for against the possible consequences, both positive and negative.  But generally speaking, I'm not afraid of disappointing people if it means I've stood up for myself, someone else, or something I believe in.  Does this make me less of a desirable ally?  Because someday, I may disagree with you or say something that, however true for me, might push the envelope of what's true for someone else.

A while back I found myself in a strange conflict: I had a new female friend whom I felt a connection with.  Given that the few months prior had found me feeling pretty alienated what with ending an engagement, losing him, all his friends and having most of my female friends move far, far away, I really welcomed the friendship. 

But then one odd Girls Night Out, I am told I somehow gave the impression of having a horrible time, when in fact, I had a perfectly fine time.  Granted, I was around a group of women I didn't know who were mostly talking about things I didn't understand or couldn't relate to (their jobs, man-hating), but all in all, it was great!  Except for the last half hour or so spent on a patio around smokers and feeling like my lungs and eyes were drying up into a second-hand-smoke-induced dust.

But, like I said, this new friend of mine had apparently become mildly enraged at what she perceived was my inability to just blend in and have a raging good time.  I reflected that perhaps this misunderstanding came from the fact that I don't generally bend over backwards to kiss people's asses when I meet them, as is atypical for a lot of women.

You know the drill.  Women come together and there is the squealing, the flattering, the womanly chatter, gossip and commiseration about how much women dislike this or that about their bodies or relationships.  At least, these were the things that were pointed out to me that I simply hadn't partaken in.  I hadn't discussed how much I hate my legs or how my boyfriend is such a dick, and when I (jokingly) asked this new friend of mine if this was something I should get better at if I wanted more female friends, she said yes and mentioned it might make other women feel more comfortable.


I haven't seen said new friend since. 

Okay, so, let me get this straight.  In order to make myself more appealing to other women as a friend, I have to speak negatively about myself, my body, my life, my relationship, flatter (either honestly or dishonestly) other women and make sure they feel comfortable enough to be around me? 

This has maybe been my downfall all along.  I've had fabulous female friends, and I still do.  But I have never had a posse of women around me, no clan of estrogen, no warm womb of girlish banter.  I have friends, we have a friendship, sometimes those friends meet each other and mingle, but that's pretty much the extent of it.  I'm honestly not even sure if all those female friends of mine have really liked one another.  In fact, I'm sure of it.

But one of the things I'm realizing most about myself in light of recent conflict (new friend of the famed Girls Night Out Incident aside) is that, although I am not passive-aggressive or non-confrontational, I am desperate to avoid conflict that will further alienate me from what already feels like a pretty lonely day-to-day, friendship-wise. 

I really miss having close, daily (or bi-daily, whatever) friendship with women, and it has been a long, long time since I had the sort of friendship with another woman where we included our lives, aspirations, deep talks about who we are and what is beautiful (and shitty) about the world we share, where I have felt valued for simply being myself.  Not for what I could offer, not sought after for a never-ending supply of advice, not competed with.  But just loved, valued, and included because I'm awesome and I really, really love the people in my life.

Is this a common feeling?  I can't be the only one, right?  Maybe I did myself a disservice by not joining a sorority or some other secret female club rife with guaranteed female friendships.  Maybe I never pursued it because I grew up with so many women.  My intentions are so good, so pure; my heart is full of love and so open, so why do I feel so misunderstood?

I don't know, but I do know that now, about a month away from turning 29, I am very happy in love, and in life (mostly), but wish I had more community around me.  And specifically, I really wish I had a girlfriend or two who lived close, shared common interests and was not self-absorbed, jealous, insecure or incapable of being happy for me when things are going well.  Because I promise you: THINGS DO NOT ALWAYS GO WELL FOR ME.  Just gimme a little pat on the back, y'know?

Which leads this novella-length post to its purpose: sharing my New Year's Intentions.  Sure, it's nearing the end of the month, but it's been a busy few weeks, and I've been waiting for an opportunity to officalize these here intentions:

1.  Nurture my relationships.  Here, I mean friendships, work relationships, business partnerships, and family.  I have pretty high expectations when it comes to choosing the people in my life and feel disappointed often, which has led me lots of times to feel like being alone is better than feeling alone, even when I'm with other people.  But this is backwards thinking, and it's not fixing anything.  Instead, I've decided that I need to nurture the right kinds of relationships, in the hopes of being enriched by them, and adding something to other people's lives, too.

2.  Try more new stuff.  I'm a big crybaby.  I order the same thing every time I have sushi, love being at home, and shop at the same three stores.  But maybe this has contributed to a level of comfort which has prevented growth.  So I'm gonna suck it up and grow balls.

3.  Have more fun.  I laugh a lot, but because I'm such a wimp (see #2), I can be pretty uptight sometimes about some things.  Which is weird, because I'm pretty balls-to-the-wall in a lot of other ways.  So this intention is all about attitude, and mine needs to be a little more Wooooooooo!!!! and less But what if..... 

4.  Financial responsibility.  Hi.  I'm Morgan and I hate money.  Someone just tell me how much I can spend at Chipotle every month and I'll be happy.  Except, as a burgeoning business woman, I can't afford that.  I've become really organized in the last couple of months regarding my finances and I want the trend to continue.

5.  Spend more time in Nature.  Sounds wack, I know, because I live in the freaking forest.  But working a full time day job, while working a part time dream job, is killer on my free time.  I've started to solve this dilemma by deciding I will complete the Tough Mudder Challenge this July (click the map on the link, and you'll see what I'll be doing) and I will therefore need to train.  Which means I'll need to get out of my house, get out of the yoga studio even (although I will NOT give up my yoga) and hit the great outdoors like whoa.  Nature is a great spiritual balm.

And there it is, folks.  My intentions.  Good to their core.