Good vibrations.

I was in the middle of yin yoga, experiencing all kinds of self doubt, insecurities, fear... You know, all the cozy feelings that come up when you're in a room full of strangers, being still with your thoughts, breathing and contorting your body into potentially unattractive positions in the name of a peaceful mind and healthy insides.  I felt the pangs of old mental habits reaching their prickly tentacles out toward and around me, and from inside the panic, which is a familiar place, I could feel myself start to grasp at what could make me feel better: a person, long-held belief, judgment on what I am or am not.  Anything, really, to take me away from the experience of the feelings I was having.

But I'm trying this new thing: positive self-talk.  I teach my clients to do this, but in my private life I sort of think I'm a sissy shithead if I engage in "speaking it into being" and all that jazz.  But I also tell my clients this: If what you're doing is not working, then maybe it's time to do something else.  It's not straight from the book of All Things Wisest In the World, but it gets the point across to most people.  And in one (yes, only one) of the conversations (out loud, ACTUAL conversations) I had with myself over the course of the day, driving from place to place, I found I needed to say that very thing to myself.

So I'm laying there on my decaying yoga mat, as it falls apart from all the sweating, the warriors, the handstands I attempt; crow pose, tripod headstand, child's pose (which is the pose I feel most grounded in), thinking that hiding behind my weird mental shit is exactly the problem.  And at this point (and several times throughout my practice), I remind myself to breathe deeply into the experience, stay rooted (maybe this means my hip needs to come down, or my shoulders needs to be more square) and make friends with the horrible things my brain is thinking about me. 

I say something like, Hi again.  Nice of you to show up at this unfavorable moment.  What are you here to teach me?  The thoughts don't exactly dissolve away like I'd like them to, but at least they aren't talking back this time.

Then, as class ends and I'm rolling up my mat in the awkward way I always do, the pretty young girl I had been practicing next to approaches me and smiles.  She says, "I just wanted you to know that you have really good energy."  You could have lit my hair on fire and I wouldn't have beamed more; this is the best compliment I've received in a long, long time.  She goes on to tell me wonderful things about how it felt to practice next to me, and furthermore, that she was looking over my shoulder while I edited some photos before class, and really liked my work.  I thank her repeatedly for the endearing sentiment she's given me, because really, she has no idea what that just did for my night.  For my whole month, in fact.